Thursday, September 12, 2013

Letting go






i had a dream, one morning, that i was making my way across an obstacle course made of teetering cars pivoting on high poles.  As i carefully leapt from one car to the next, my weight and momentum from the jump would knock the car off balance causing it to tilt until i repositioned myself to counteract this motion.

While experiencing this exciting dream i was also fully aware of where i was outside of my dream state.  i knew i was dreaming, i knew i was in my room, safely in my sleeping bag and i was completely aware of all of the things that i had to do later that day.

Aside from the fact that there was no true danger of me falling from these wavering vehicles, there was also no point in my finishing the obstacle course.  i knew that it wasn’t real, and that my completion of it would in no way represent any ability that i truly possessed in the prestigious sport of unbalanced car hopping.

Yet i wanted to see if “i” could do it.

At one point of the course there was a relatively far jump to the next car, and when i landed on its hood the car quickly tilted down causing my foot to slip.  As i slammed down face first onto the hood, i firmly grabbed its top edge near the wipers and started to slowly pull myself toward the windshield in an attempt to keep the heavy machine from falling from its perch.

As i cautiously maneuvered myself, the car started to shake and slowly began to slide from its pivot point.  i looked back to see if there was a way that i could leap back to the previous car, but with the present car almost vertical i was both to low and too far away to perform such a feat.  i had no choice but to keep climbing the car which now seemed to be hanging by a thread.

Every time i pulled myself higher the car would rumble and fall a little bit as if it could give way at any moment.

i still knew that this was just a dream, and i also knew that it was almost time for me to wake up. (i confess… this all happened while i was taking a nap before Srimad Bhagavatam class while i was living in the temple)  Even knowing all of this, i still wanted to see how this was going to turn out…  would i fall to my doom with fifteen hundred pounds of metal crushing me?  Or would i somehow be able to climb up and pivot the car the other way with just enough time to leap to the next car before the former would go crashing down without me?

In our Vaisnava philosophy the first thing we are taught is that we are not our bodies…  we are spirit soul…  that which animates these bodies…  eternal beings occupying temporary material bodies.  As such, this whole temporary world is essentially just a very convincing dream.  Our bodies begin and end and go through many drastic changes in between, but the one who experiences these things (the soul) stays the same throughout all of it and still remains even after the elemental bodies are long gone.

This concept is certainly not exclusive to Vaisnavas.  It is, by definition, a foundational tenet for all spiritualists.  All spiritual practitioners can agree that needs of the soul outweigh needs of the body.

So why is it, then, that although we fully understand that we are spiritual beings and that our best interest lies in directly serving the Supreme Lord, we often times put our spiritual practices on the back burner to our material endeavors?  Why is it that even though we know we are not these bodies and not the controller or enjoyer of anything, that we still try to control and enjoy our situations?

The truth is that we are merely trying to amount to something…  to be relevant, to have an impact, to be the first, the best, the only…  to be eternally remembered and honored even after we are gone!

But even if our outstanding achievements are recorded in books for future historians to remind the common man of, our legacy will not last very long in the grand scheme.  Furthermore, our material accomplishments will not help with our spiritual advancement.  So the question becomes: why are we wasting so much time and effort on something that is only momentarily significant for only a few people when we could be focusing our efforts on something that will yield eternal results?

Well my dream during my “japa time” nap answered this important question…  we just want to see what happens.  We are more attached to the mundane storyline than we are to the real one.  We are not ready to relinquish our illusion of control.  We want to feel the pride of accomplishment even though we know it is illusory…  we want to feel supreme independence.  Essentially we want to be God.

That last sentence does not necessarily imply that we want to be the supreme controller in charge of everyone’s lives, it just means that we want to be a controller of something when in fact we can’t even control our own bodily functions.

So until we can give up our aspirations of being the worlds greatest unbalanced car hopper or whatever other ultimately insignificant dream we have, we will not be able to grab ahold of true satisfaction…  we can not grab a flower if our hands are full of sand.

Sure some goals seem noble and worthy of our undivided attention and action like “breakthrough cancer researcher”, “protector of the innocent” or even “worlds best parent”.  But curing a disease without enriching the patient’s spiritual life, rescuing someone from a dangerous situation without pointing out life’s true danger (dying without pursuing spiritual advancement), and putting food on the table and providing shelter for ones children without educating them about their true protector is merely an attempt to take credit for something that we are absolutely incapable of accomplishing.

We cannot truly save a life because eventually everyone will die.  We cannot truly protect one from danger because if one is meant to get hurt, karma will find her way to them.  We cannot truly provide nourishment, for we can only take what has already been provided by Krsna and give it to those who are under our care.

This of course does not mean that we should stop caring for, protecting or providing for others, it just means that we should give credit where credit is due and we should not try to steal any of the glory.

So whatever happened in this dream of mine?  Did i fall and die?  Did i miraculously figure out a way to regain balance and continue the course?

Actually, what happened was i woke up and went to Srimad Bhagavatam class.  The dream ended with a cliffhanger and its sequel was never made.

i can only hope that at the end of this life i am as detached from my actions as i am from that dream…  cause i definitely do not want to come back to see what happens.

It should be understood, at this point, that merely letting go of material desires does not qualify us for entrance into the spiritual realm.  But it does free up our grip so that we can grab onto something substantial.

What are you holding on to?

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